you never realise how much you love someone till you nearly lose them. i love you... your my best friend in the WHOLE world!! i love you!

and if i find out this has ANYTHING to do with you i swear your dead!! i mean it, i was up for giving you a chance but i just dont know.

 and IF by some chance you haven't done anything then i apologise, just dont blame me for jumping to conclusions!

last night was the most fun i'd had in ages, i could see myself slipping back into old habits, wine... polished of nearly two bottles to myself. then last night your face reminded me of everything i had to lose by letting everything get on top of me. i was gonna ring you... i'd been dying too for weeks but i'd bottled it so many times. you have no idea how good it was to see your face. you just remind me of everything i love... everything i need in my life... fun!! your properbly the funniest person i know, even tho i'd never spoke to you sober before this morning!! 

mmmm.. feel dead refreshed now the hangovers cleared 

i know i'm hurting you, i can tell and i'm so sorry. i just cant help it, it's what i do best. i never ment to let things get like this, i never ment to play with your feelings i just dont know what to do anymore... i told you i was a bitch

grrrrr *kicks things* no money till tuesaday!! stupid banks and stupid me... i lost my debit card and thats gonna take ten days to replace... why am i so stupid?! lol

i dont know where to go from here...

forward and i'll hurt you, backtrack and i'll hurt you too

i know i cant win and know it's not right for me to be making decisons when i'm blinded. i need to face up to the fact that my attitiudes are my own, nobody can change the person i am, and at the moment i dont know who that is. i know i'm wallowing in a big slimey pool of self deciet, self pity... self destruction even, and it's having a delerious effect on every other aspect of my life. i hate to say it but there is very little anyone can do to help me right now, people have tried but it's just made me resist and made things worse. i just need somebody to hold my hand while i embark on this journey.

 just dont look in my eyes...

wow, so much has happened to me lately!! dont know where to start... lets start with the bestest things first. my mate, the bestest one i've made in ages, it's so strange. i harldy even know you but i can talk openly about anything with you, feel like you understand me, understand the way i feel... i really want to understand your too. i mean there's not many people you can stay up all night with through the delerious small hours and talk about nothing the first time you properly meet them. i can tell we're gonna be mates maybe even best mates someday plus your just as daft as me! and as silly looking... well you look pretty silly right now haha!!   & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;      & nbsp;   tell you what else was dead good... hanging out with Mr Melvin and Mr Ben again... dead good people!! really good night. just need to get some sleep now!! and i'm slighty ill too! *sobs*

i miss you... its so hard to go weeks without somebody by your side who's as crazy as you! haha. no seriously i miss you so much, way too much. got very emotional the other day, i never realised how much i needed you. i mean shit!! i'm tearful now!! cant see you till thursday, thats so far away.  and i just need to pick you up and huggle you so so tight.

oh one more thing... let it go!! you know who you are! you cant blame somebody else for a relationship fuck up. everything happens for a reason so the sooner you let this drop the better it will be for everyone involved. and i know i dont know every single detail in this and i wasn't gonna say anything but i dont like to see people getting messed up unnesseraily. the same goes for you too, hell knows you've had enough shit recently i just dont like to think of people making more shit!! anyways... dead sleepy now... gotta make back to my room.. although this chair is pretty comfy!!

it's my birthday so you have to do what i want!!!

why the hell did you do that?! i trust you more than anyone else in the whole while world and you do this... i dont know if i can forgive you... i want too but i feel like i want to walk away from you, tell you to fuck off! but i cant, cant hurt you, i'd be the bitch again, right?! you know i'm handing out olive branches out to people, trying to make friends again, but no... you couldn't handle that you just want to keep me down, make me feel like i used to so i need you more so you spread shit, make those people hate me more... make them think i'm still fucked up in the head, spoil everything!

 i dont know you anymore

i really dont know what to do, i love you it just hurts to be with you. every argument tears me apart yet every kiss mades me all warm. i dont want to hurt you and i hate to see you upset but we're hurting me and makes me upset... i dont know how much longer i can live like this. it's killing me x 

I'm not so sure about the six form thing anymore… yes, I want to go so I can spend more time with friends again and get decent A-levels (ABB) to get on the course at Uni. I know I gave in last time but that was because I wasn’t aspiring to do something I actually wanted to do, but know I have a real aspiration, one for me, one that I chose and one I want. I finally realised I couldn’t do something I didn’t want to just to keep the peace. You have to forge your own path in life not follow the on that’s laid out by you parents. Mum and Dad wanted me to be a nurse, I want to work In fashion, so going backs my only option but... it's the whole atmosphere I don’t want to go back to. The bitchiness off it all... people falling out, arguing, gossiping backstabbing and such like. There’s one person that i thought i'd never have to see again and i was so happy when I left but now I face the prospect of another year with their gloomy presence which isn't exactly exciting! Another thing I didn’t want to encounter again was the groups, y’know jocks, sluts, swots… I really don’t understand them… really don’t.

I suppose I’ll have to grin and bear it… it’ll be worth it. Hopefully in six years I’ll be working with a designer i admire like Ashish or Marc Jacobs! fingers crossed ey!?

tired... all so tired.

cant sleep, three days now.

got bags under my eyes the size of texas, just cant seem to turn off...  :cry:

been a bit too lazy to blog lately, that and the computer's been really screwy, anyway there's so much stuff i need to write in here. starting with camping. After promising various different people we'd camp at various different places over many years we actually did it! so heres a few photos from the day the place we camped before we invaded contemplating what to make for breakfast chrissy sorting herself out the lake in the morning

there's loads more but i cant be bothered to sort throught them! god i've got lazy! anyway the parents are away for the weekend so i'm not sitting here, i'll proberbly fill in the missing weeks tomorrow when people are still asleep.

feeling on top of the world today, nothing could bring me down. too happy for school... way too happy. cant stop laughing, mum thinks i'm on something, she keeps giving me funny looks! i dont care tho... just gonna sit here giggling to myself  :D